I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize