so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
