The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
