i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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