fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Randomize
