Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
