i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
