Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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