i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize