Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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