Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
