Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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