Fine. I'll sleep in my office
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Randomize
