All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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