My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
