thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Redeem this text for a blowjob
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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