So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
