There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
