My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
