Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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