Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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