I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
