my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
