Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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