I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
