at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
