If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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