Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
