Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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