I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
