so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
