Screwed.edu
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
