if i can run in heels then i can drive
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
