Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
