I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
