I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
