i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
