3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
