It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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