It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
