i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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