Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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