I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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