I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize