goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
