I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
