Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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