I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
