If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
