Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
His hands were made for my vagina.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
