I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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