he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
