So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Randomize
