well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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