I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
