i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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