I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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