im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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