At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
