man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
