she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
