I cut my penus on the lid.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
