Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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