I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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