i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
